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Secret Wars 84: A Battleworld Bonanza!

Behold, true believers, as I transport you back to a time when perms were in fashion, shoulder pads ran rampant, and Marvel unleashed the mother of all crossovers: Secret Wars! Now, let me regale you with a tale that will make your spidey senses tingle with excitement and get you primed for the upcoming cinematic extravaganza, Avengers: Secret Wars.


Our cosmic puppet master, the Beyonder, takes center stage in this epic saga. He, being the curious type, becomes enamored with Earth's mightiest superheroes and conjures up Battleworld, a dazzling planet brimming with advanced technology and nifty weaponry. With a wave of his cosmic hand, he abducts our beloved heroes and villains alike, decreeing, "I am from beyond! Slay your enemies, and all that you desire shall be yours! Nothing you dream of is impossible for me to accomplish!"

Now, imagine a colossal ensemble cast akin to a superheroic smorgasbord. On the heroic side, we have the stalwart Avengers, led by the righteous Captain America. Picture him standing tall alongside the likes of Captain Marvel, Hawkeye, Iron Man, the She-Hulk, Thor, the Wasp, and the jolly green Goliath himself, the Hulk. But that's not all! The fantastic trio of the Fantastic Four, featuring the Human Torch, Mister Fantastic, and the Thing, are also in attendance. And let's not forget the wall-crawler extraordinaire, Spider-Man, and the arachnid-inspired heroine, Spider-Woman. Oh, and the merry mutants of the X-Men join the party too, including the likes of Cyclops, Wolverine, Storm, and Professor X, to name but a few.

On the villainous side of the spectrum, we have a rogues gallery that'll make you shake in your super-powered boots. Doctor Doom, the Absorbing Man, Doctor Octopus, the Enchantress, Kang the Conqueror, Klaw, the Lizard, the Molecule Man, Ultron, Volcana, and the nefarious Wrecking Crew are all itching for a fight. Even Galactus himself, the devourer of worlds, makes an appearance, though he quickly becomes a free agent in this cosmic conflict.


The battle lines are drawn, and the heroes and villains clash in glorious combat. Ultron, that metallic menace, finds himself drained of energy by the ravenous Galactus, leaving him as useful as an empty soda can. The heroes gain the upper hand in the initial skirmish, forcing the villains to retreat. But wait! Magneto, the master of magnetism, decides he's had enough of the heroics and flies off to do his own thing. Can't say I blame him, really. It's not easy being the only magnetic mutant in a room full of non-ferrous heroes.


Now, brace yourself, my fellow comic enthusiasts, for the twists and turns that would make M. Night Shyamalan's head spin. Doctor Doom, that sneaky devil, rallies the remaining villains and launches a surprise assault on the heroes, burying their base under a mountain. Thor, the thunder god, goes missing in action, vanishing into thin air like an Asgardian Houdini. And to top it all off, Doom even convinces the enigmatic Molecule Man to join the dark side. It's like watching a wrestling match where the referee suddenly decides to body-slam the contestants!


But fret not, dear readers, for our heroes are made of sterner stuff. The X-Men, sensing the need for unity, join forces with the heroes to confront Magneto. They form an alliance that would make Professor X beam with pride,...as they march into battle against their erstwhile ally. However, it seems the cosmic deck is stacked against our valiant champions. Wasp, in a cruel twist of fate, falls into Magneto's clutches, finding herself trapped in his fortress with weather manipulations fit for an intense weather report. Meanwhile, Doom and his dastardly crew launch a full-scale assault on the heroes, proving that even the bad guys can have a killer work ethic.

Yet, fear not, my friends, for the tides of battle are as unpredictable as Deadpool's next quip. The Hulk, ever the unlikely hero, emerges from the shadows to save everyone from their mountainous entrapment. Thor, utilizing his divine lightning, reappears in a flash, revealing that he had hidden his escape like a cosmic game of hide-and-seek. You see, my friends, when it comes to these heroes, nothing is as it seems. It's like reading a comic book while standing on the edge of reality itself.


As the war rages on, Galactus, that insatiable cosmic hunger, decides to have a go at devouring Battleworld. Now, if that's not an appetite for destruction, I don't know what is. Our heroes, never ones to back down from a challenge, unite in a desperate attempt to stop the planet-munching menace. The battle that ensues would make the fireworks on the Fourth of July seem like a sparkler in comparison. Think of it as a superhero dance party, with Galactus as the DJ, spinning his planet-sized tracks.


But hold onto your seats, my friends, for Doctor Doom, always one step ahead, concocts a scheme of his own. He harnesses the power of Galactus, absorbing it like a cosmic smoothie, becoming a walking powerhouse of doom. Can you imagine the amount of energy drinks he'd need to keep up with that? It's like the ultimate power-up, straight out of a video game where the final boss is rocking a doom-filled energy drink logo on his cape.


Alas, as all battles must come to an end, so too does this epic clash. The Beyonder, who had been playing puppet master all along, reclaims his powers from Doom, leaving the villainous mastermind and his sidekick, Klaw, in the dust. In a stroke of divine intervention, the energy released during the conflict transforms Battleworld itself into a wish-fulfilling paradise. It's like stumbling upon a genie's lamp and discovering that all your dreams can come true, with a side of superpowers and spandex.


As the dust settles, our heroes bid farewell to their newfound friends and foes, their hearts heavy with the loss of allies and newfound love. But fear not, for this is not the end of their tales. They will return to their respective series, forever changed by the events of Secret Wars. Relationships will falter, costumes will evolve (Spider-Man, we're looking at you and your slick black suit), and the Marvel Universe will never be the same again.


So, my dear readers, prepare yourselves for the imminent arrival of Avengers: Secret Wars. Let your excitement reach critical levels as you anticipate the cinematic spectacle that will honor the spirit of the original crossover. Brace yourself for battles that will make the popcorn in your hands pop with anticipation and let the Marvel magic wash over you like a tidal wave of comic book glory.


And remember, my friends, as you embark on your comic book journey, That! Comic Podcast from Philadelphia awaits you every Wednesday, ready to guide you through the captivating world of superheroes, supervillains, and all the marvelous moments in between. Join Mendte and Mr. Maurer as they unravel the mysteries of the multiverse, share their infectious passion for comics, and provide you with insights that are as sharp as Wolverine's adamantium claws. Tune in to That! Comic Podcast, where the extraordinary meets the enigmatic, and every episode is a gateway to comic book nirvana.

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